Flying Shortbread

The main reason that Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'where's the self- help section?' she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. What if there were no hypothetical questions? If a deaf person signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? Is there another word for synonym? Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all?' What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? Why do they lock gas station bathrooms are they afraid someone will clean them? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? Why do they put B...

Dear John I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, then it broke down about a mile from the house. I walked home to get my husband's help, only to find him in bed with our neighbour's 19 year-old daughter. He is 34 and I am 32. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and confessed the affair had been going on for six months. He won't go for counselling and I am a total wreck. Please give me advice urgently. Please help me? Sincerely, Sheila ... Dear Sheila A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the...

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are the winners: 1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time. 2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ass. 3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with. 4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. 5. Bozone( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stop bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future. 6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting lucky. 7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high 8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who does...

Dear Employees It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.   Number 1 TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing. Number 2 TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__. Number 3 TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this? Number 4 TRY SAYING:...