Flying Shortbread

"This programme contains topics that unfortunately won't be disturbing to INSENSITIVE viewers."

500 sheets (shits) per roll. (Hunt-Lascaris Advertising Agency brilliance)

Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.

A crowd is a queue that let go. Ellen Degeneres

What would happen, if, just because, one replaced a word with 'pants' in some of the Star Wars dialogue? We’ve got to be able to get some reading on those pants, up or down. The pants may not look like much, kid, but they’ve got it where it counts. I find your lack of pants disturbing. Many Bobans died to bring us these pants. These pants contain the ultimate power in the Universe. I suggest we use it. Han will have those pants down. We’ve got to give him more time! General Veers, prepare your pants for a ground assault. I used to bulls-eye womp rats in my pants back home. TK-421... Why aren’t you in your pants? Lock the door. And hope they don’t have pants. You are unwise to lower your pants. She must have hidden the plans in her pants. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally Commander. Governor Tarkin. I recognized your foul pants when I was brought on board. You look strong enough to pull the pants off a Gundark. Luke... H...

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick’s Day parade - at any time of year. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to the waist level on the man lying beside her. The Chief of Police will almost always suspend his star detective - or give him 48 hours to finish the job. All grocery bags contain at least one stick of French Bread. It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone to talk you down. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place - noone will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building undetected. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their polar opposite. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris. All bombs...

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station... A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory A closed mouth gathers no foot. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking A day without sunshine is like, night. A fool and his money are soon partying. A little inaccuracy saves a lot of explanation. A penny saved is worthless. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. All things being equal, fat people use more soap. Always remember you are unique, just like everyone else. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. Atheism is a non-prophet organization Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things. Employme...

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water? And whose cruel idea was it to put an “S” in the word “Lisp”? Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it’s much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs? Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs? Before they invented drawing boards, what did they get back too? Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains? Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID? Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”? Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays? Does the little mermaid wear an algebra? How can there be self-help groups? How come you never hear about gruntled employees? How do you tell if you run out of invisible ink? How is it possible to have a civil war? How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t ...

A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson. Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you’ll inhale a bee. Any sufficiently complicated technology is indistinguishable from bad karma. Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you’ve been kicked in the head like this before. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the “whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is” group. Follow your dream! Unless it’s the one where you’re at work in your underwear during a fire drill. Happiness is merely the...

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: 1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as '...

When you feel that nobody loves you, Nobody cares for you, Everyone is ignoring you, You should really ask yourself... Am I a doos?

“A young widower, who loved his five year old son very much, was away on business when bandits came who burned down the whole village and took his son away. When the man returned, he saw the ruins and panicked. He took the burnt corpse of an infant to be his son and cried uncontrollably. He organised a cremation ceremony, collected the ashes and put them in a beautiful little bag which he always kept with him. Soon afterwards, his real son escaped from the bandits and found his way home. He arrived at his father’s new cottage at midnight and knocked at the door. The father, still grieving asked, ‘Who is it?’ The child answered, ‘It is me papa, open the door!’ But in his agitated state of mind, convinced his son was dead, the father thought that some young boy was making fun of him. He shouted: ‘Go away!’ and continued to cry. After some time, the child left. Father and son never saw each other again.” After this story, the Buddha said, “Sometime, somewhere, you take something to be the...

How do you know when you have to do the washing and the dishes? Well, you look in your pants, and if you see a penis in there, you don't have to do anything.

If you see a sign that says, "Say no to Crack.' and it reminds you to pull your pants up - you may be a redneck.