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Things to ponder... some more real trivia

  • A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

  • The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

  • Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you’ll inhale a bee.

  • Any sufficiently complicated technology is indistinguishable from bad karma.

  • Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you’ve been kicked in the head like this before.

  • Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone.

  • Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the “whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is” group.

  • Follow your dream! Unless it’s the one where you’re at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

  • Happiness is merely the remission of pain.

  • I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...

  • I doubt, therefore I might be.

  • I live on a one-way dead-end street.

  • If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

  • If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.

  • If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

  • If you don’t like my driving, don’t call anyone. Just take another road. That’s why the highway department made so many of them.

  • Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

  • It’s a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

  • It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

  • Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor’s car!

  • Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel...it’s cheaper than plastic surgery.

  • Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, “Where the heck is the ceiling?!”

  • Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.

  • Laugh now, but one day we’ll be in charge.

  • Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

  • Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

  • Learn from your parents’ mistakes; use birth control.

  • Leave bad enough alone!

  • Lethargy in motion.

  • Let’s just say I don’t respond well to authority.

  • Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

  • Living well is the best revenge.

  • Lobotomies for Republicans? Why be redundant?

  • Logic is the art of going wrong with confidence.

  • Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

  • Love is like a roller coaster: when it’s good you don’t want to get off, and when it isn’t... you can’t wait to throw up.

  • Mad, bad and dangerous to know -- Caroline Lamb, refering to Lord Byron

  • Make no enemies accidentally.

  • Marching to a different kettle of fish.

  • Maybe I’ll become an evil genius and destroy the world and THEN I’ll feel better.

  • Meandering to a different drummer.

  • Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

  • Mental backup in progress-Do Not Disturb!

  • Mind like a steel trap- rusty and illegal in 37 states

  • Minimum wage for politicians.

  • Money can’t buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

  • My commitment is to truth, not consistency.

  • My great dream is that I’ve won all the beauty contests in the world and all the people I don’t like are forced to build me a castle in France

  • My life’s really not so awful--it just seems that way when I’m awake.

  • My mom thinks I’m at the movies.

  • My Reality Check bounced.

  • My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!

  • Necrophilia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.

  • Never date philosophy majors. My last girlfriend was one and she spent her time proving I didn’t exist.

  • Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

  • Never raise your hands to your kids; it leaves your groin unprotected.

  • Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

  • Never trust a person who isn’t having at least one crisis.

  • Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

  • Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

  • No good deed goes unpunished.

  • No, my powers can only be used for good.

  • Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.

  • Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

  • Not all who wander are lost

  • Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

  • Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.

  • Nothing is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

  • Nothing is so firmly believed as what is least known - Montaigne

  • Nothing succeeds like excess - Oscar Wilde

  • Now is NOT a good time to annoy me.

  • Oh this Age! How tasteless and ill bred it is - Gaius Valerius Catullus (Lyric Poet 87 - ?54 BCE)

  • Oh, evolve!

  • Okay, okay, I take it back! UnScrew you!

  • Old age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.

  • On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

  • Our parents were never our age.

  • Out of Mind -- Back in 5 minutes.

  • Paranoia is the delusion that your enemies are organized.

  • Paranoids are people too; they have their own problems. It’s easy to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you’d be paranoid too.

  • Plan A never works. Plan B almost never works. No one ever has a Plan C.

  • Plan to be spontaneous. Tomorrow.

  • Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.

  • Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.

  • Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: How many can you afford?

  • Quantum mechanics - the dreams stuff is made of.

  • Sanity is madness put to good uses - Santayana.

  • Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

  • Save the Dolphins? What did the cows do wrong?

  • Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

  • See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

  • Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.

  • Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

  • Smile and the world smiles with you. Frown and you get credit for thinking.

  • Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.

  • Smile. It confuses People.

  • So many fools, so few comets.

  • So much to do. So few people to do it for me.

  • Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. She only gargled.

  • Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

  • Some things are sacred--I haven’t taken them apart yet.

  • Some times the only solution is to find a new problem.

  • Some would sooner die than think. In fact, they often do - Bertrand Russell

  • Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.

  • Sometimes the truth can be so unnecessary.

  • Sounds like a personal problem to me.

  • Stand Back! I have a brain and I’m not afraid to use it.

  • Strange notions? I got your strange notions right here.

  • Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

  • Suburbia: Where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

  • Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

  • Support bacteria - they’re the only culture some people have

  • Take my advice. I’m not using it.

  • Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.

  • Thank you for not trying to raise my consciousness.

  • Thank you for your gift of sarcasm. I will treasure it always.

  • That was before ... now you’re dealing with Me.

  • That which does not kill me had better be able to run away damn fast.

  • That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

  • The best defense is a strong offense, and I intend to start offending right now.

  • The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

  • The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

  • The early bird still has to eat the worms.

  • The empty vessel makes the greatest sound - Anonymous

  • The face is familiar but I can’t quite remember my name.

  • The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

  • The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

  • The future isn’t what it used to be - Yogi Berra

  • The greatest political concept of the twentieth century is that of Stalinist Communism. People ask me why, and I shoot them. Pretty basic concept.

  • The light at the end of the tunnel may be a NO EXIT sign.

  • The lunatic fringe begins here.

  • The meek are getting ready...

  • The more things change, the more they remain insane.

  • The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

  • The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.

  • The obscure we see immediately, the completely apparent takes longer.

  • The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

  • The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

  • The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you’re in the bathroom.

  • The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

  • The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

  • The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

  • The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt. - Bertrand Russell

  • The trouble with you is that you’re alive

  • The truth of this checking account is mysterious, awkward and sad. More Transactions? Y/N?

  • The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

  • The windmills are winning.

  • There are times that try men’s souls, like after eating at a Mexican restaurant.

  • There are two rules for ultimate success in life. 1. Never tell everything you know.

  • There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

  • There you go again, thinking you have rights.

  • There’s a door not 10 feet away. It is a fine invention, I suggest you use it.

  • There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

  • Think of it as evolution in action.

  • This is a nightmare and I’m going to wake up, right?

  • This is as bad as it can get. But don’t bet on it.

  • This isn’t denial. I’m just very selective about which reality I accept.

  • This isn’t hell. This is where you get sent when you’ve been bad in hell.

  • This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

  • This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That’s the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

  • This person is a natural product. The slight variations in color and texture enhance its individual character and beauty and in no way are to be considered flaws or defects.

  • This would be really funny if it weren’t happening to me.

  • Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.

  • Those who abandon their dreams will discourage yours.

  • Three correct guesses in a row and you qualify to be an expert.

  • Time is supposed to keep everything from happening at once -- it’s not working.

  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

  • To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

  • To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered - Voltaire

  • Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

  • Too much of a good thing can be wonderful - Mae West

  • Two wrongs are only the beginning.

  • Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

  • Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can’t find them.

  • Vuja De’: the strange feeling you get that nothing has happened before.

  • Warning! This organism suffers from dangerous mood swings.

  • Warning! Whimsical when bored

  • Warning: You have entered a Tact Free Zone.

  • We all have faults. Mine is being wicked.

  • We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.

  • We are not amused.

  • We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?

  • We have only two things to worry about -- either that things will never get back to normal, or that they already have.

  • Welcome back to square one.

  • Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

  • We’re all mad here.

  • What a long, strange trip it’s been.

  • What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

  • What color is the sky in your world?

  • What could possible go wrong?

  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

  • Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

  • What’s another word for Thesaurus?

  • When I was young, we didn’t have MTV. We had to take drugs and go to rock concerts.

  • When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

  • When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

  • When they hit rock bottom, Some people will climb out. The others will begin to dig.

  • When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.

  • Where there’s a will...I want to be on it.

  • Whisper my favorite words: “I’ll buy it for you.”

  • Who are the grateful dead and why do they keep following me?

  • Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

  • Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disc?

  • Who me? I just wander from room to room.

  • Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be impossible?

  • Why do people with so few clues have so much time?

  • With friends like these, who need hallucinations?

  • Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

  • You are here and this is the highlight of your day.

  • You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

  • You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time--that should be enough for most purposes.

  • You can’t fall off the floor.

  • You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

  • You get what you settle for.

  • You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

  • You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you odd.

  • You should see the ones we don’t let out in public.

  • Your first mistake was trusting the people who sent you here.

  • Your kid may be an honor student, but you’re still an idiot.

  • Your silliness has been noted.

  • You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me.

  • You’re only young once--after that you need another excuse.
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